I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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