At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize