The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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