Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
