Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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