well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Of course I have a pirate flag
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
