I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
