Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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