if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
