in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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