nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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