Your dad touched me again.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
