He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
