Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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