the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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