thus making me awesome and them whores
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
