If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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