Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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