I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
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