Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
