I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
