after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
