we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
