I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
