there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
