John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
