Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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