I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
