According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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