he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
