if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
