Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Houston, we have a squirter
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
