Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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