my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
