We won't sleep together?
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just blew my weed a kiss
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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