You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
