I'm lost and stupid without you.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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