Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
