hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
