I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
