Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
