The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
