Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
