Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
