Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
