I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
