it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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