those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I wish you could order shots online.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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