at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
