I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
