I think I died a long time ago.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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