im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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