Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize