Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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