Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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