dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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