I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
