Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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