you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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