you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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