You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
