**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you win again, gameday.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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